What I Wish I Would have Learned in a Kallah Class… an Introduction
OK. I’ll come right out and say it. I am a contradiction in terms. I can just hear my grandfather asking “Are you on foot or on horseback?” I’m not sure.
I’m not exactly Conservative - although I currently attend a Conservative shul. I grew up Reform, left it behind at 13 and I’m definitely not that! I know I’m not Reconstructionist because I’m not sure what it even entails. And, yup, I’m not Orthodox either.
For years I tried to be frum. I lived in Israel and New York. I did the no pants, long skirt thing. I did the mid-length skirt look. I did Chabad. I did the Upper West Side/East Side shtick. It didn’t work. Or it didn’t stick. I’m not sure. I don’t think I wore the right length skirts.
It’s not just that I’m too much of a left-leaning liberal and sometimes feminist (most of the time really). It’s that I can’t tow the line. It’s not that I have a commitment problem. It’s more that I have trouble being told what to do. I’m a wannabe though. In my dreams I’m FFB. I’m even hassidishe. I’ve tried. G-d knows I tried. But then I just have to tear toilet paper on Shabbat…or drive to shul in the pouring rain because I’m running late and I’m dverse to being soaked. Little things like that.
On a good day, I’m Conservadox. On a really good day I think I could buckle down and follow the laws completely. On a medium day I’m confused. On a bad day I’m guilt ridden. So, here I am.
And how does this ganse megillah relate to mikvah? Honestly, it does.
Back in 1995 I was engaged to be married. That’s a story in and of itself. Look for it in a future contribution. Anyway we were to be married by a local Sephardic Orthodox rabbi.
I knew I wanted to keep the laws of T”H. My not-at-all-religious fiancé had zero choice in the matter. I bought several books on the subject and dutifully plowed through them. Aryeh Kaplan. Tehilla Abromov. Some little blue book with a detailed calendar section. I was neither inspired nor instructed.
The wedding date approached and I made my mikvah appointment. Then I panicked. I was put in touch with the wife of the local Ashkenazic rabbi. She agreed to give me an hour’s crash course in the laws of T”H. (Side note: she was a very cool person. She put on a skirt over jogging tights when she went running in the neighborhood.) OK, I can tell you that an hour with this rebbitzin was not enough. I learned basically bupkes.
My first trip to the mikvah was not a magical experience. I was not transformed. I did not feel the mystery. There was no Shekinah. There was no connection to the past or to the future. There was a kindly Holocaust survivor who checked for a stray hair on my shoulders. There were funny paper slippers, a decaying building with out-of-date tile in need of caulk and a bulletin board with hand-lettered signs offering sheitel styling and bedikah cloths. Huh?
I’ve heard that some kallahs are accompanied by ululating friends and relatives. I’ve heard that others come with their mothers. My experience was like much of what I did in my Jewish life: I was alone and clueless.
My then- fiancé tried to be supportive. He even drove me to my appointment on the Thursday before our Sunday ceremony and we made plans to go out for dessert afterward. So, what did I know about not seeing each other the week before the wedding?
When I think back to my first mikvah experience, I feel a tinge of regret. I didn’t know fully what I was doing but I knew why I was doing it. I wanted to start off my marriage on the right foot. I wanted to keep T”H because HaShem said so. That was good enough for me. That I wasn’t sure then – or now – if I have any real faith is irrelevant. I’m hedging my bets.
But here’s the thing. If you’re not frum, BT or FFB, there really aren’t kallah classes out there – at least not in my community. There aren’t enough Jewish weddings here even to merit a formal educational system.
Our average Conservative or Reform rabbis don’t point engaged couples toward using the mikvah to sanctify an impending wedding or as part of a Jewish marriage. For conversion? Yes. Marriage? No. Most of the women who use our mikvah are frum. Those handful of non-Orthodox women come to using the mikvah with different stories and with varying degrees of preparation.
Anyway, I wish there were kallah classes for the non-Orthodox. I wanted to do things right. I still do. I had no idea then about bedikah or veset or charting or candlelighting times and so on. I knew to clean my ears and belly button. Gee, that’s useful. I knew to take off my contact lenses and nail polish. OK, that’s helpful. But the actual mechanics of the white days, checking and not passing the salt to your spouse? There’s still so much to learn.
The years have passed. Mikvah is still a part of my life. It’s like these two things are bookends. In the middle the chapters have definitely changed and the book is not at all the one I started reading. I still want to take a class to learn how to observe T”H properly. Perhaps being a part of this new venture will spur me into action. I’m looking forward to learning from you, toward growing in my observance and to finally, hopefully, really, doing it right.
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I'm with Desde (is it ok if I call you that?). I think there are no classes for the non-Orthodox people because there is no consensus that these laws are binding in the first place. And even if some form of T"H is considered binding - I would venture to guess it's mostly the Biblical version, rather than the Rabbinical one. The kind of nuance in custom that you're describing, down to not passing the salt, would probably be unlikely to come up.
On the other hand I've never gotten the impression that anyone asks whether you're Orthodox when you join an Orthodox kallah class - I would think they'd just be overjoyed that you want to keep this practice. So if that's something you want to do, don't hesitate. There are "refresher" courses given for married women all the time.
And I want to tell you how much I admire you (and any woman) who comes to these laws voluntarily, rather than as a result of upbringing or peer pressure. T"H is the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't think I would have ever independently sought it out.
OK, I'm inspired. Almost time for a refresher course. Or in my case "fresher" course. Will add it to the "to do" list when I'm done with nursing. Thanks for the reminder!
I am currently working on a post on chatan and kallah classes for non-Orthodox couples, which will include a brief bibliography. My focus, however, is on those who don't necessarily want to observe the laws in the most "Orthodox" way, and it sounds like you do. Desde and eden have made good suggestions. I would also recommend Rabbi Binyomin Forst's book, A Woman's Guide to the Laws of Niddah. It is very thorough.
Incidentally, how has your formerly-non-religous husband dealt with the restrictions?
Wow, Latte, that's quite a story! We'll have to help you figure out what that magic hem length is, huh?
Let me know if you need any encouragement. I understand the not wanting to be told what to do, but I try to remember these are G-d's rules, and G-d sanctioned rules (in the case of Rabinical decrees). I can deal with G-d telling me what to do. My mother, on the other hand... well, that's a different story, kwim?
Try to remember that every step towards full mitzvah observance is a gem on your heavenly crown. It's the direction that matters, not your current location on the ladder. Every mitzvah is precious to Hash-m, and I think those done by the not-fully-observant are even more precious to Him, because of those internal conflicts you mention. And because it's just harder!
I think there aren't Kallah classes for the non-Orthodox because no one can decide on what to teach and what to leave out. I attended a Conservative Shul as a child, and my mother begged the Rabbi to offer a class on Kashrut (for me and my sib). He said, "We can't, because no one really agrees on what's Kosher." Well, the Orthodox don't seem to have a problem agreeing what constitutes Kosher. We'll get into levels of Kosher symbols and which you use and which you don't some other time, but everyone in the Orthodox world agrees on the basic principles of what makes something Kosher, give or take a few stringencies. Unfortunately, the Conservative Movement isn't always sure what it believes in!
All of this (Kashrut, Shabbat, Taharat HaMishpacha) was always something passed down from one generation to another, parent to child, at least in the "old Country." But the knowledge gets lost if there's a break in the tradition... As for Kosher, my mother taught us herself, even to the point of getting some unkashered meat and teaching us how to soak and salt it to remove all the blood. But she knows next to nothing about Taharat HaMishpacha (Direct quote: "Oh, I just use the shower." I'm glad you shower Mom, but how is that relevant?) Her mother went to mikvah before she was married, and actually had separate beds (connected by one headboard, but it's a step) *Her* mother was a war orphan (first world war) so there was no one to teach her...
I'd be happy to learn the laws of Taharat HaMishpacha with you by email if you like. I hope someday to be able to teach my own daughters... although if they prefer, I'll send them out to Kallah class. Not everyone's comfortable learning from Imma.