The turning point
After my first baby was born, it was a long time before I got to mikvah. (I was stupid, and didn't ask about my brown and then yellow bedikahs that were probably fine, for many reasons, including the fact that putting off going to mikvah, while not fair to my husband, was just fine with me! Getting those bedikahs to a Rav would have been complicated, but it could have been done. There's always the US Mail.) I wanted to have gone to mikvah, I just didn't want to go to mikvah...
But eventually I went. And when my period returned at 5 months post-partum, boy was I upset. Whatever happened to nursing clean! I was robbed! And no, he wasn't on solids yet! Since then I've spoken with a lot of women who've had similar experiences (usually, we all have children born really close together!). Okay, so I learned nursing wasn't adequate birth control for me. It didn't even save me from having to use the mikvah. Totally unfair! So I got pregnant again, fast. Another hiatus, truly earned.
But I couldn't do that forever. I mean, I like kids and all, but sooner or later, I had to come to terms with my fear of the water.
My fear of the water had earned me one thing: A heter. No, not special permission not to use the mikvah, no Orthodox Rav is going to say that! The attendant had asked on my behalf, and I was granted a heter to only get one Kosher tevilah. That's it. Not 3, not 9 or 7, as some have the custom to do, 1. (As in all things, this was my heter, not yours, ask your own Rav. The normal minimum is 2 without extenuating circumstances, one before and one after the brocha.)
This was the deal we made... one to get wet, don't worry if it's kosher or not. Make the brocha, dip again. I would make at least three tries, and then additional dips as necessary to get my 1 Kosher Tevilah, but I would no longer be trying for 3 times Kosher. One was enough, and I could get out!
The true turning point came one night when after 8 or nine tries, the attendant said, "I'm 98% sure that was Kosher," and let me out of the mikvah. Half way up the steps, I stopped. Could I really go home and say, "I'm 98% sure I'm tahor."? I turned to the attendant. "Should I go back in?" I asked. We agreed we would both be more comfortable if I did. And no, it wasn't one more try, but more like another 5! But by then, we were both sure it was 100% Kosher.
After that, it got easier. I was still uncomfortable in the water, still tried to "not think about it too much" during the sheva neki'im, but that was the one and only time I truly used my heter. After that, I was much more relaxed about my ability to get under, and I usually got my three Kosher tevilot, although we still agreed that after one, I could give up and declare myself done. I started every mikvah visit by telling the mikvah attendant of both my fear and my heter. Knowing I didn't "have to" gave me the strength to dip the additional times.
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You know, I'm not sure! It may actually have been my hair, or getting my head far enough under? I was holding the railing and my nose, (to make sure I didn't try to breathe in too soon.) It's possible they didn't come up with the idea of the hairnet until later? I know it was a different attendant who thought of the hairnet (and had asked the shaylah about using it.) This is quite a few years ago at this point, so it's a little fuzzy. At some point I stopped using the hairnet b/c my hair was long enough to hold... but when I got married I had recently cut it to just above my shoulders and it was exactly the right length to float, but not long enough to actually hold.
I'm not Jewish so I know I don't understand everything....... but I'm courious so I hope you won't mind me asking (I have an odd background with a lot of Jewish people in it but of course NO one would talk about this with a non Jew):). If some one was in a wheelchair or had other disablities that would make it impossible for them to get into the water or make it hard to get into position (I'm reading this right that there is a position?) then this heter helps but you still have to do something in order to con't relations with your spouse? Or is it wrong to have relations with a spouse that is disabled in this way? Once again I'm sorry if my questions offend I'm only seeking to understand this tradtion in a better way.
There's nothing wrong with having relations with a disabled spouse. And there are wheelchair accessible mikva'ot, although not enough. They have lifts, to help get the disabled person into (and out of) the water. The main thing is to get completely under the water, all at once, without drowning. There isn't really a specific postion, but there are several "standard" ones that make this easier. (And she would have to get her own heter... heterim only apply to the person to whom they are given.)
I know of a teenage girl who went in with her mother when she was weak from cancer treatment (the girl wore a bathing suit) to help hold her mother up in the water and assist her immersion. So even without an accessible mikvah, there are ways to do it. And even undergoing cancer treatment, this woman still made the effort to be available to her husband, even if it was just to be held!
And I meant to add, that yes, to be available to her husband after she has had a menstrual flow (and it has ceased, of course) even a disabled woman would need to immerse in a mikvah. The laws don't discriminate... a blind woman makes bedikahs too, but she obviously needs someone else to look at them for her, since she can't see them to tell if they're good or not.
I also try to spread my mikveh preparation out over the course of the day, partly to make my life easier, partly to ensure that I don't forget anything, and partly because it does, in fact, add an aura of . . . spirituality, if you will. Inasmuch as bathing and clipping your nails can be spiritual.
I'm surprised at how many people have trouble dunking. I've only had one unsuccessful dunk, and it was my first time using the mikveh. I have pretty long hair, too.
Wow, I have a much better understanding of what you went through, reading this post. Not only were you afraid of going under the water, but you had to do it so many more times than most people do! I have to tell you how much I admire you for fighting through it.
But I also have to ask... what were you DOING, to invalidate all those dips? It couldn't be your hair floating up, because I thought you mentioned you were using the same trick I do - holding onto it until you get to the bottom. Were you clenching your fists, or banging into the wall, or what?
I guess I'm just wondering if the mikvah attendant asked about what your position really needed to be, in order to make it a kosher tevilah. Because I bet there is some leeway there for extenuating circumstances as well. Women who can't stand on their own, for example, are allowed to hold onto something the entire time, as long as they wet their hand first and don't grip tightly! If every part of you was under the water, weren't you in a kosher position for at LEAST a moment?