The End of Nursing Clean
The last time I went to the mikvah was in late August 2003 after my post-partum checkup.
Since then, my nursing hormones have been in full swing. While I was dealing with a three-week early baby who couldn’t nurse properly for the first few months, a colicky baby like you wouldn’t believe for the first six months and a baby who wouldn’t sleep more than two hours at a stretch until 18 months, at least there was no staining. Of course I was too frazzled and tired and cranky for intimacy. And then there was the post-natal depression and the Zoloft. But I digress.
Things had been getting better lately. The spouse and I were closer than ever. The baby was turning into an amusing toddler who loved to shout “Imma, nurse” or "Imma, nipple" loudly in shul. And both the older child and said baby were sleeping soundly enough for the parents to have some fun.
Then last Shabbat came. The spouse was out of town on business for a week and the older one was with the ex. It was just baby and Imma alone for the weekend. We came home from shul and whammo. Hmm...that's odd. The mini-pill is, in theory, working. The baby is still nursing--regardless of whether or not I want to. I still have a couple months left to go from my 24-month nursing clean clock. What’s up? Wait, scratch that. I know what it is. The question is why it is. My body is going wonky.
After phoning the OB, it was time to place a call to a local kallah teacher for a refresher course. Not a moment too soon, I guess.
I’d been thinking about mikvah for weeks, months. All of this available time does that. You know, I’ve been thinking about how I didn’t always take advantage of the available time. I’ve been thinking about how my body belonged to everyone but me -- nursing baby, wanting spouse, demanding older child. I’ve been thinking about how I missed having that regular time to myself and marking the month by my body’s calendar. But, I’ve been thinking in the theoretical. I haven’t really been thinking about checking and bedika cloths and slinking off in the dark of night and praying I wouldn’t run into anyone I know.
I’ve also been thinking about mikvah in new ways as I’ve read a variety of blogs and followed the development of this site. I’ve sat here in my cube at work sniffling as I read accounts of infertility and wishing I could loan out my functioning uterus – here take mine, I’m not using it. I’ve smiled as I imagine kallahs going off for that first visit. I’ve imagined the emotional power of the g’yoret coming out a changed person.
I am excited that I can again mark time with my body. I am looking forward to immersing again and feeling that moment of “kosher.” But I am also sad and scared. I’m sad that I didn’t take advantage of the together time as much as I should have…my own insecurities and inabilities to initiate. My mishegas. I’m also sad – a bit like Vaibel. This may be my last child. With work, community demands, the cost of day school, shul memberships, camp, daycare and on and on…I’m probably done.
I feel guilty even saying this here. I mean, here I am with two healthy children. What more could I ask for? A third? That’s pushing my luck. Yes, I want a third child – and one of the other gender – but what am I doing in this venue asking for more? For those who have none and yearn so, I feel like a complete heel wishing for one more go-round. I wish I could share more than just my prayers for those looking, trying, wishing to become parents. Still, the thought of re-entering the mikvah solely for the right to reconnect with the spouse without the intent to procreate is a little weird. It’s one thing to think "not now." It’s another to say, “I’m done.” Again, my mishegas.
So now I’m waiting, dealing and watching. The spouse came home from his trip last night to find me dealing with the latest emotional terrorism from the ex, the possibility that we’re have to look for a new house ASAP and that our shul voted to hire a new rabbi – one he and I don’t want. Anyway, what I wanted when he walked in the door I couldn’t have. And I’m told that since I’m staining mid-cycle, I could end up staining again later in the month. Classic.
Figures. I guess all this means is that I’m coming back to the real world. It’s been nice while it lasted.
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Comments
Desde,
Tandem. You rock.
I should have been more clear...what else is new? It's not that pregnancy or procreation and intimacy are so intertwined that I can't see the recreation point. I do. Or, we do. I think what I was commenting on -- or trying to -- was a passage of time.
IY"H I'll have many more years with the spouse in which we will enjoy each others' company. However, the kid part rushes by.
I agree that financial considerations alone shouldn't determine childbearing. But they have to be taken into account. Perhaps it's living in the C world. The expectations and pressures are a little different. The shallow expectations of materialism. Full time work. Guilty feelings about not spending enough time with the kids.
The grass is always greener...
Welcome back? You're actually lucky you got so long, even if it wasn't the "full 24 months" you expected... as I've said before, my longest "clean" break was about 8 months, and I was tandem nursing. Maybe I'm strange, but "the thought of re-entering the mikvah solely for the right to reconnect with the spouse without the intent to procreate is a little weird." which you and VasserVeibel both comment on is confusing me. Why is sex and procreation so tied up in a tight little bundle? Maybe it's just my (apparently very different) approach to my relationship with my husband, but the children aren't the point, or I should say, pregnancy isn't the point. Raising a family isn't dependant on getting pregnant after you already have the children, but a healthy relationship between the parents is essential to the children's well-being, or at least so say all the studies.
I'm sorry you don't feel self-assured enough to initiate, because if possible, that's something you should work on. It adds dimension to your relationship.
One more thing struck me: "This may be my last child. With the cost of day school, shul memberships, camp, daycare and on and on…I’m probably done." I don't think financial considerations should be the only reason to stop having children... children bring blessing with them. I've seen many times a raise or some other form of blessing come with a child. We can't afford full tuition for our children, but can anyone? Baruch Hash-m there is a scholarship program, because ChV"S they should turn away a Jewish child and force him into Public School. At least that's the attitude here, which is a good thing.