Going Forward Together
I have been seeing a gentleman and it appears to have real potential. My biggest issue to date is that he isn't frum very long. In fact, the gap in yiddishkeit knowledge between the two of us is pretty vast. I lived and practiced TH for six years. He has ZERO knowledge of TH, much less practice of it.
It was a delicate issue to bring up, but since he hasn't been frum very long, I suspected he didn't really know any pratim of what the halachas are, or even what the basics were - in other words, while I know Alef through Tof, I was pretty sure he only knew Alef. I wanted to make sure he knew Alef Bet and Gimmel before we went forward.
I asked him, "I'm not trying to be forward, but have you learned anything about Taharas Hamishpacha?"
"Well, I know that a man and his wife have to be seperate at certain times of the month, but honestly I was planning on taking the classes that are offered in the community," he replied, referring to "chosson classes".
"I think it would be worthwhile for you to have a conversation with your Rov about the very basics of TH even before you get to the idea of chosson classes. Because TH is a very complicated and difficult mitzvah, and I want to make sure that you feel it's something you can take on," I said. "You can choose to ignore my suggestion, but I think you should have a better idea of what's involved before you just say that you're going to do it."
Now I know the man is a total yirat shamayim, and is going to do whatever the halacha says he is supposed to, but after being in a marriage with a man who had serious issues with the harchokas, I am a bit more wary. I want to make sure any man I marry is completely committed to practicing TH fully.
Sure enough, he spoke with his Rov and his Rov told him that a) knowing him, he won't have any problems following the halachas happily, and b) that he will learn everything he needs to know in the chosson classes, and he doesn't need to know more before them.
This answer scared me a little, because really, I don't know if I can go into an engagement/marriage without knowing that the man is committed to it 100%. TH is hard enough as it is, so much more so with someone who resents the practices (not that this man does).
I thought about it some more and the truth is, at this point, I'm so out of the loop in terms of TH, I will have to relearn everything all over again. Counting, Calendar, harchokas, etc. I realized, you know what, we will be going forward together - even though I've done it before, it will in some ways be new again to me.
And hopefully it will be new because I will be with someone who wants to do the right thing and follow the halachas instead of with someone who is doing it begrudgingly...